David Anthony Kearns with video contributions by Stanley S. Morton, III

BP Oil spill in Gallons

Friday, January 7, 2011

Dead birds, NOW ZOMBIES!?

Zombies were reported in five cities today.

Chicago Department of Health Director, Dr. Stanley F. Lubbeck said "our zombies are not related to the zombie outbreak noticed in Indiana."

Dr. Lubbeck said City of Chicago authorities have noticed zombies before. The zombification of corpses has been ongoing for quite some time in Chicago, he said.

"We've always had zombies, so I don't know what everyone is worried about" Dr. Lubbeck said. "It's just now, with the internet; Twitter and Facebook, people are knowing about it more. The media is to blame for a lot of the panic. If everyone would calm down the problem will quietly go away."

Miriam Johnston of Indianapolis, Indiana isn't so sure; "You can't trust what the government people tell you. They don't want to admit this is bad. I mean, c'mon (expletive) zombies? Zombies? This is normal? What the (expletive) is wrong with you people?"

Last week she was approached by a small crowd of walking corpses near her home. She said one tried to bite her but there were no witnesses to back up her claim.

"I've never seen zombies before this. I wouldn't have moved here if there had been zombies. I've never even heard of zombies, except for in the movies."

What's more, she doesn't believe that zombies aren't potentially toxic.

"I don't like the way they look at us. And the smell," she said.

For now, federal authorities have said there is no evidence zombies are poisonous, or that they devour human flesh, as rumors have reported.

"Zombies are perfectly harmless," said Bud Styles an assistant to Ken Salazar, Interior Secretary.

Styles was interviewed in Yellowstone National Park, a zombie staging point for mass relocation and disposal.

He spoke via SKYPE as teams of federal workers in full HAZMAT gear escorted zombies into paddocks for eventual transportation to an incineration facility at an undisclosed location.

Styles said the HAZMAT gear was standard precautionary.

Test of Zombie flesh has revealed nothing out of the ordinary but more tests are being conducted, he said.

"Those tests will take a few weeks," he said.

Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner said rumors of preferential zombie-disposal contract letting are untrue.

"No members of my party have been unduly influenced in contract letting for zombie removal," he said.

ZombieCorp has contributed more than $5.9 million in campaign contributions to several key members of the House and Senate.

Some members of congress are listed on the ZombieCorp board of directors.

"There is no connection," said Boehner, refusing further comment.

President Barrack Obama has appointed a special investigatory committee to look into the problem and the allegations of contract letting.

"We understand (pause) that people are upset. (look out over audience with calm demeanor.) (pause) Listen, my family is concerned about zombies too. (smile charmingly). We will get to the bottom of this question. The important thing to remember is, we are all Americans. Even zombies."

(file it under satire!)

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